I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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