All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
