we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
