i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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