uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Dignity is for republicans.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
