could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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