ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
