Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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