She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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