So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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