Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
