Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
