Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
