i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I have aggressive nipples.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
