i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
