im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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