Umm I'm too high to move.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize