I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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