i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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