College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
