my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
