before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
