we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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