Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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