My first STD was from a foam party
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
