I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
