Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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