I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I need to calm my uterus...
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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