Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
