so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
As shirtless as possible
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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