Why are handjobs necessary in class?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
