The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize