Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
