I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
