Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
