The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
