I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
