Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
