Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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