if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
