I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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