My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
