fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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