Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
