3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
