And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I smell like Dick and happiness
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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