just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
