I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
