Is it normal to miss your booty call?
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
