Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
