Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
