At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
