My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
