Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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