We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
