Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
