I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
