So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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