I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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